The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
