i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
