Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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