You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
