I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
