You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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