The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
