Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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