The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
