The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
