by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
