Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
