I wish I could teleport
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
