Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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