Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
