my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Randomize
