I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
