just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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