Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
