Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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