So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
