I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
