I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
