For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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