So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
