Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
