I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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