A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
