The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i think i just lost a toe
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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