Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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