I wish I only lived at night.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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