i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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