You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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