He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
