OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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