butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
