So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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