I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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