Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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