You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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