I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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