Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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