Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
