I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
