I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
