Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
