i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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