Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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