I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
