I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
