she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
