So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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