I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
