Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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