We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I need moral support for this bender
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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