Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
